


Unspoken

by sunshine_locks



Series: Reflections [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, and suicide, epistolary fic, lots of feelings basically, themes of depression, vague exploration of sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 13:07:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20706497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshine_locks/pseuds/sunshine_locks
Summary: A series of entries from Nymphadora Tonks' journal from August 11, 1988 to September 30, 1991.





	Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is just a look into the diary that Teddy read in chapter ten of Glass, so I don't believe you need to know much about the Reflections universe to know what's going on? Read on, I guess. 
> 
> Warning: Explicit themes of depression, suicide, and anxiety. There are some mentions of weight, and some themes of domestic/emotional abuse.

_08-11-88_

I don’t think I’ve ever written in a journal before. I think the last time was a few months back, except it was in an old, abandoned sketchbook I had. I just read everything I wrote in there back then, and I think I was a little bit emo. It kind of made me laugh a bit, but I’m not really sure why. I’m pretty sure that it was about me going into high school or something like that. It was kind of dumb to worry about it, now that I think about it. Right now, I don’t think I’m going to waste time writing about how I feel about going to year eleven, because I don’t really want to but also because I don’t know how I feel. Maybe during the end of summer (which, by the way, wasn’t much to begin with) I’ll write it down? So, I’m taking Spanish this year, and taking more math classes. I don’t really want to, and I don’t think I’m smart enough, really, but there’s no fighting back against… her. If she wants it, she gets it, I guess.

Thoughts for today: … 

—

_09-16-88_

You know, do you remember those insecurities? They’re back! I currently have an 80 in that class (Spanish? I’m so dumb that I don’t even remember) and I don’t know if I should be freaking out or not. I never know with her. It’s like she’s a bomb that I never know when she’ll explode, and well… I don’t want to write about that right now.

In other news, I did some research about asexuality because I was curious, and because one of my friends mentioned it to me. Thinking about it, I think it’s something that really identifies with me though… The thought of sex never appealed to me, and I can’t really see myself doing… it. God, I can’t even say it.

Is this normal? I’m only fifteen, and normal has never been much defined for me. I don’t know the deal about sexuality at all, because I’ve cycled through all the labels. Lesbian? Straight? Bi? Panromantic? I don’t know, but I think that last label comes close to describing me. I’m pretty sure panromantic is when someone likes someone likes someone else only for their personality and character, not really for their looks. Well, not half and half like normal people at least.

Thoughts for today: None, as usual.

—

_09-17-88_

Have I mentioned that I am a grade A idiot? I got paranoid about whether I was defining the word ‘panromantic‘ correctly, so I looked it up because I was 99.99% sure I was correct but I didn’t want that 0.01% to come back and bite me in the neck, but it actually turns out that I was way off the mark. I think the _actual_ definition for ‘panromantic’ is someone that is romantically attracted to others but not limited by gender… I still think that definition’s pretty correct for me though. I’m still so young, though, maybe I shouldn’t be so sure of all this from the get-go, and do something dumb like accidentally tell her, or whatever. Not that I would, ever. But yeah.

Also, teacup (nickname suggested by her, not me), called me today about needing help with Spanish. I’m not the greatest at that subject, but for some reason it felt good that she felt like she could come to me for help. Like I got this weird rush of happiness and satisfaction. I guess I really like being useful and validated. And also, who else would validate me like that?

Thoughts for today: Still none for today, unfortunately. Better luck next time. 

—

_09-30-88_

Dad came back today! I’m really very happy because it means that I don’t have to deal with her alone. (But does it even matter? He’s gone more than 90% of the time that his presence hardly even makes a difference. I still love him though.) She hasn’t been that bad for the past few days, but today she yelled at me for a sock that I accidentally forgot to pick up in my room, for like, an hour. I think that was an overreaction, but I’m not sure… In the end it was really just a sock and I don’t really think I deserved to be yelled at for an hour… but on the upside, Dad is back. Wait, I already said that, crap. Oh, well, it’s whatever.

He brought back books, and one of them is about this boy who’s pretty much locked up in his home by his parents, and when he turned eighteen, he finally got the guts to run away from home. It kind of reminded me of Rapunzel. It was nice… maybe one day that’ll be me. One day I’ll have just ran away from home, away from her, and then I’ll finally be free. I’ll do something crazy like… dye my hair or something. Yeah. When I become an adult, I’ll dye my hair. It’ll be fun. Maybe pink? That’d be pretty freaking cool. Or should I get a tattoo on my collarbone? I once saw someone with a tattoo there, and I thought it made them look really good (they were also my age and kind of my friend, so this isn’t too creepy, I think).

Thoughts for today: You know, I’ve always wondered about whether I’ll make it or not. I’m not sure what ‘it’ is, but whatever it is, I hope I get there. (Oh, I’ve figured it out: ‘it’ means my dreams. This puts a whole new spin on things.)

—

_11-30-88_

I think yesterday was a good day. I think. I still haven’t made up my mind, as she yelled at me again, this time for making too much pasta for the family, and then she accused me of wanting to eat it all myself. Which… is weird. I know I like food, but damn I haven’t been eating that much anyways. She hasn’t noticed yet, which I’m kind of ticked off about. Doesn’t she care? Whatever, it’s just the same old shit again. But back to my main point. I finally saw teacup again, and that was pretty freaking awesome. We just sort of walked around town and went to places that we thought were cool. I accidentally mentioned to her about going to a university somewhere far away, like somewhere in France or Italy and she freaked out. I understand her, I guess. But on the other hand, I don’t think I could bear living here longer than I have to. That, and I think our friendship would survive. I don’t think we’re the type where we need to see each other often. To be honest, most of that is just by design—specifically, her’s. She never fucking lets me out to go anywhere, so I have to live on whatever she does allow me.

Today was also kind of a weird day. I was talking to teacup again, and I think I just had a mini-breakdown. I honestly don’t know what triggered it. I just had some strange and bad feelings when I woke up, like I just want to go back to bed and do nothing the whole day. But I also know that some things just can’t be avoided. (Like class work, mostly because she would be angry if I didn’t get A’s, and I’d really prefer my days to pass without interacting with her.) I sometimes wonder what I’m waking up for. It’s monotonous day after monotonous day and I just feel like… there’s nothing to look forward to? Nothing that would happen that day could entice me out of bed, so what’s the point in getting up? It’ll be the same old routine again, and in the summer I’ll surely put myself in another boring old routine. What do I have to look forward to, really? A future with my friends sounds nice, but I’m doubtful of it.

Thoughts for today: I’m so tired sometimes. It feels so bad that I just feel like I’d do anything to get rid of this sluggishness that’s taken over my body.

—

_12-01-88_

Not much happened today. Mum refused to listen to what I had to say. Again. It’s so frustrating, but what’s new?

Thoughts for today: I don’t care anymore.

—

_12-03-88_

Today was a better day, I suppose. She got me these really nice markers, which is weird. She usually never does nice things for me, but she was all like, “ah, my lovely and intelligent daughter, I love you so much,” and like that’s weird. She usually never says that to me, or even shows it. I guess it was kind of nice, but it really does seem too good to be true.

I also went biking with teacup today, but now my butt hurts. I also had the classic, “what am I doing with my life,” existential crisis (mostly because I can predict my own future and it doesn’t seem so great that I’d want to live for it). I also got a mug cake from teacup’s sister. She’s so sweet, I swear she’s like my own little sister.

Thoughts for today: …

—

_12-04-88_

I’m tired again. Random parts of my body are aching. My head is somewhere else, and I can’t get myself out of bed these days. No thoughts for today.

—

_12-11-88_

Mum had guests over for today, and she didn’t really tell me. I thought I was going to make a bad impression on them but I luckily got up before they arrived. It was weird. They actually talked to me and stuff, and they somehow convinced me to show them my art. It was sneaky, but really, they were all encouraging about it, telling me that I could do a career in it, or something. It’s not true, but the support was really nice. I’ve never been supported like that before, not even by dad. He agrees with her on that one, that art is a useless subject to pursue. I guess I agree. I’m not really sure. But the day was ruined when she asked how much I ate today while prodding the stretch marks on my hips. It felt like she was taunting me or something… like she was saying that I didn’t deserve to eat because of them. I mean, she probably didn’t mean it like that, but I don’t really know what to think when she’s so passive-aggressive. This wouldn’t even be the first time she’s done that. Does she ever think about how insensitive that is? I don’t know. Maybe I’m the sensitive one. She did always say that I cried too much and that I’m way too clingy. So, am I overreacting? And, she did it in front of all those people too… Maybe it’s just me. I really fucking wish I could just change my body to whatever she wanted it to be just so she stopped.

—

_12-21-88_

I caught up with one of old friends today, and I had that moment of clarity, like, “Oh my god, I forgot how much of a huge best friend crush I had on you!” I really do love Ha-rin.

—

_05-13-89_

I’m really jealous of people who are smart. Yeah, like I know they’re humans and all, but sometimes it’s easy to be jealous of them. I just wish I was as intelligent as them—because in the end I feel like they’re the ones who’ll get into good universities and go have good careers and eventually settle down and have a family or whatever. Meanwhile, I’m still here struggling to put together my life. I just feel like it’s not worth putting something back together when you know that it’ll fall apart again. If I’m not capable of getting good grades how will I ever fucking get to do what I want?

—

_05-28-89_

I fucking got a 73 on my chemistry exam and a 68 on my history exam. God, I’m so stupid. She’s going to yell at me again and I really don’t want to be yelled at again. She’s going to find out – and oh god, no matter how many times she yells at me, I still feel like a scared little girl again and I just want it to stop so badly but it’s like she could yell for eternities and I don’t know what to do.

—

_05-29-89_

Someone at my school died today. I didn’t personally know them, but it really really scared me how easily I was able to get over them, and smile like nothing happened. It scared me how other people were doing the same thing too. Like… someone just died. Like, there’s a family grieving for their child… How are we so easily able to brush something like this off? Is that what I’ll do when someone close to me dies? I’ll grieve for a few days and then bounce back? If I do that, then did I ever really love them?

Is this what will happen to my memory when I die? 

—

_12-15-89_

I’m really tired again. I have a few more tests coming up in the next few days, and I think I’ve realized some things. I don’t know. But I think that I wouldn’t even be half as afraid of failing these tests, or hell, even getting a B on a test if it weren’t for the fact that she really just likes to yell at me for every little thing I do wrong, or anything she sees as wrong. I wish I had the freedom to fail, or even be able to take failure as something I could learn from. So far, I don’t believe I’ve learned anything, and neither has she. And like, I find it really odd, because like, even though most people would say that it kind of sucks to be stressed for tests, a lot of people would also say that it’s also a really good kind of stress, you know? I find that most times I don’t know how to handle the sheer fear I have surrounding tests, and sometimes… I don’t know, I just get this thought of wanting to kill myself. (I’ve never told anybody or written that down before…) It’s usually not in my voice, but it’s in my head so it must be mine, right? And what an odd thought to have in your head, and even odder when you sometimes feel like acting on it. I really would rather die than face my mom again. But then I start thinking about what would happen if I failed to kill myself. And although failure is nothing new to me, I’m just so afraid of what will happen if I survived. Would she kick me out? Would she tell me that I’m a disappointment of a daughter? Would she act like nothing happened and I’m just forced to live like this for the rest of my life?

But apart from that… I can’t always blame it on her. I do have a problem of psyching myself out of things, or opportunities that would have been amazing. I just can’t stop thinking, sometimes. I wish I could. I also wish I had better parents, sometimes. 

—

_02-28-90_

You know what’s weird? I figured out what the hell was up with my sexuality I think almost a year or two ago, and I’ve yet to tell anybody about it. Well—no, I’ve told teacup about it. But apart from that, it’s been a well-kept secret. I just don’t really feel the need to tell anybody about it, because, like, it’s not really any of their business? The only person I’m kind of afraid of telling is her (which I find odd, because she’s never made any indication that she’s against girls dating girls and boys dating boys or whoever it is that people want to date), but that’s not really her business either. I care if she knows if only for the fact that I’m afraid of her reaction, but as for everyone else, it doesn’t really matter to me. I guess that’s something, that I at least am sure of one thing in my life. 

—

_08-11-90_

Oh, wow. It’s been two years since I started this journal (and six months since I’ve written in here… sorry). But there is a reason I came back, and half the reason is because everything feels so intense these days, and it strikes me as odd when for the past few months the most I was capable of processing was irritation and exhaustion. I’m still both of those things, but I just realized in about a year from now I’ll be in university. Or at least I have to be. I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m not (well… I do, but it’s absolutely the one option I don’t want to take… then again everything else is also just as tiring) I still don’t know how all this works, and I still don’t know what I want to do.

Nothing yet everything seems to be going on my life right now. Because in approximately a year, I move out of this nightmare of home, but that also means I’m on my own. And I guess I know some things, but hardly enough to warrant me being able to take care of myself. I’m worried about so many things, like I wonder if university will absolutely kill me. I’m worried that even after all this hard work I’ve put into my academics, I still won’t be able to get a good job, or get the apartment I want, or hell, even the life I want. Sometimes, it feels that I’m simply not good enough, or deserving enough, or hard working enough to get the things I want out of my life. Today, they’re just worries looming over me, but other days, most days, they feel like the cold, hard facts I can’t ever escape from.

And I’ve never given these thoughts too much attention before. Or rather, I’ve never wondered about _why_ I feel that way, because it’s always just been like this.

I talked to Ha-rin about this. She told me she has the vague suspicion that it might be depression, but that’s not true, right? It’s not true. I have so many nice things in my life, I can’t be feeling that way. She might not be good to me, but there are people out there who have it so much worse than me.

I don’t deserve to feel this way.

And besides, I know people who are going through the exact type of home situation that I am right now, and they’re not too screwed up. I think. They’re okay. So why can’t I be okay too? 

—

_06-12-91_

Lately, I’ve been a bit paranoid. Not about whether people are following me, or planning to murder me, but rather, I have doubts about my friends. I really love them, I really do, but sometimes, they make me feel like utter shit. I don’t think they mean to do it purposefully, but damn, sometimes watching them live their lives is like adding salt to the wound.

I don’t know. Ha-rin and I both applied to an internship for the coming summer, except she got in and I didn’t. This was her first time applying, and this was my second. And… I don’t know. Ha-rin is so intelligent, and she more than deserves that internship, but this is my second time applying, and I still didn’t get in? I like to think that I’ve improved my essay writing skills over the past year, but… What does she have that I don’t? Is she really that much better than me? …I guess so. I still don’t know how I’m going to get by in life if I’m not even capable of doing this.

And then, sometimes it feels like my friends don’t care for me either. I know that’s going a bit far, but every time Monday comes around, they’re telling me about how all my friends hung out together and did things, and I just wonder why they didn’t care enough to invite me. Like, yeah, I know that she’d most likely say no, but I’d appreciate the thought. And then today, they made plans in front of me. They blatantly didn’t invite me, and I couldn’t really invite myself, because that’s just intrusive, and arrogant of me to think that they’d want me of all people to come along.

I just don’t know what to do. 

—

_08-30-91_

A few things have happened in the past few months. I… got into a university. It isn’t as good as I wanted to be, or as far away from home as I wanted it to be, but it is something. I moved into where I’m staying a couple of weeks ago. I’m writing this at my desk, with my roommate behind me. She isn’t half bad. I like her enough.

Over the past few days, I’ve went to class. It’s been busy as hell, but I’ve also gotten the chance to see what they have to offer here for students, and I found that there’s a mental health clinic here. It’s free for all students, and though it’s a little backlogged from the students who go, it’s still something.

I… think it’s time that I did something about my mental health. I still don’t know what it is I have but considering how shitty I’ve felt ever since I’ve moved in, I’ve decided that I really can’t do another four years living in a hell like that. I’d surely be dead before then.

I don’t know what she’ll have to say about it, but frankly, I don’t care. I’m already studying what she wants me to at university, I at least fucking deserve this. I want to get better. It might take a while to get there, but if I get there one day, then this will have all been worth it.

It’s time I got to do one thing I want, yeah?

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to have spelling errors and things crossed out, like one would in a diary, but then I kept looking at it and decided that the spelling and grammar mistakes bothered me too much to keep it actually like an authentic diary entry.


End file.
